Peace is Not Perfection

There's something I need to tell you, curious readers, clients, and prospective clients: when I talk about peaceful living, I do not mean that you and your space will arrive at some perfected place of never-ending calm, and I certainly don't presume that I am capable of bringing you to this non-existent state. Yes, I can share tools to help you experience more health, rest, relaxation, joy, and order, but feelings of zen come and go, and the only 'permanent' and fundamental form of peace comes from accepting this fact. Acceptance of what is, of who you are, now, is peace. Acceptance that life has ups and downs, that change is the only constant, that sometimes life is not peaceful, and that there will never be a static and constant peace is peace. It is much easier said than done, but acceptance and allowing bring peace.

Within that, there are, of course, things we can do to move the needle toward more and more frequent feelings of joy and calm. We can adjust our nutrition. We can practice better sleep hygiene. We can release trauma through somatic exercises. We can release emotions through movement and writing. We can identify what brings us joy and do more of that. We can courageously set boundaries, face fears, take risks, change careers, create new habits, practice deeper intimacy, challenge limiting beliefs, etc. But no amount of change and self-development will bring us to a place where we will never have anxiety again, where we will always feel calm. Knowing this at the outset, that feelings of peace will always come and go, that there is no constant and perfect state of peace, and that we will never be perfectly healthy as long as we are human, can be a massive relief and set you up for success in a program like the one I run. As they say in AA, strive for progress, not perfection. Perfection as a goal will always leave you disappointed. Progress as a goal and celebrating progress is a recipe for peaceful living. Knowing you will never arrive is when you arrive. Knowing you are already enough enables you to progress toward growth without applying undue pressure.

I say all of this because I need the reminder myself. I run perfectionistic and have often felt I would not be OK unless and until I arrived at a place where life felt more or less perfect, where I felt perfectly healthy, put together, successful, fulfilled, beautiful, muscular, stylish, and wealthy. Sometimes, my anxiety still comes from putting this pressure on myself. It's like I'm in a race, rushing to arrive at this destination of perfection so I can feel worthy of love from myself and others. But what if two seemingly opposing things are true: I am lovable and safe and OK and enough just as I am, and there is still room for more growth and healing? What if there is still, and always will be, somewhere to go, something to move and grow toward, but there is no rush or urgency to get there, to arrive anywhere at all?

My somatic therapist asked me two powerful questions and gave me an assignment last week that I loved and that inspired this post in part. She asked me, "Have you made healing [yourself] an identity?" I pretty quickly answered that I had, it was obvious to me. She then asked, "What if you are healed enough?". She meant, what if I were already healed enough to freely live my life, to stop making myself a project, to stop waiting to live fully until I arrived at this non-existent destination called "healed"? She said there would always be more healing to do, but maybe I could stop putting aspects of my life on hold while healing. She suggested, well, more like demanded, that I hang post-it notes around my house that said, "I am healed enough!" and send her new photos of them every day so she knew I was seeing them. She then asked me how this idea was landing for me, and to journal about that, and it was a mixed bag. My perfectionistic part resists the idea that I am healed enough and doesn't feel safe living without constant health and lifestyle interventions. But there was another part that was excited and relieved and curious about what life could look like without me being a healing project, without feeling like I have to arrive somewhere else to be OK and acceptable and ready for life. Today, I am leaning into the latter part.

I know my career is all about wellness and I encourage people to make themselves a healing project at some level, but that project should not be all-consuming, never-ending and perfectionistic. The wellness world is insidious in this way and I never want to be a wellness professional that encourages this. So let's all keep our eyes open to the need for both healing and acceptance of where and how we are now, to the need to grow and also enjoy life now. Let's do our best to strive away from perfectionism, strive toward good enough, celebrate our wins, and find an imperfect peace in that. No matter where you are on your healing journey, know that you are already enough.